You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share