Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
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I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”