Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
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Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Venn
I’ve had worse
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.