Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
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*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.