“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
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I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
That’s incredible! 👌
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die