My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
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Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste