[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
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Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
If snakes were wide
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.