New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
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Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
the clam before the storm
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.