My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.