My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.