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If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm