“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Guy who likes music
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy