That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
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7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.