Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
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What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”