I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
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I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.