Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
#SuperBowl
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.