A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself