Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
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The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
this is the best interaction on twitter
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away