You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
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Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?