Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
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Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer