A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
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Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.