Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
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Mornin
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
incredible text to wake up to
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did