Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
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this was the best i’ve ever seen
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart