wishing you and yours all the best
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If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story