can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
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If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Cat is stressing him out.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them