If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
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Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
In banana years, I am bread.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear