next time i open up to someone is during surgery
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Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Thursday Thought.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.