There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
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This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start