There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
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I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
getting corrected
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
how to market bottled water to dads
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
uh oh
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.