My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
You Might Also Like
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….