Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
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When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Interior design 👌
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Good morning!
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.