The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My Sentiments Exactly
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.