me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
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A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*