*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.