Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal