Yes, but it was never about money
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Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”