4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
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I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄