I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
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Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.