When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
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I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I occasionally drink every single night.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.