CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
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[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.