I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
For the ones in the back.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.