me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
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My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?