me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
You Might Also Like
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Need WebMD
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Mornin. * use accordingly
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.