Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
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Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.