Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
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Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.