Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
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My flabber has been gasted.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Carpe DM
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Not all heroes wear capes…
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My dad is at it again
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.