Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
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Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
i love meeting boys on tinder
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth