I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡