When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
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Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right