#oldknees
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Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.